I want to experience a genuinely content moment. My mind is clouded with daydreams of open fields, where no one gets any ticks on them, where the weather is just perfect. Not too cold, not too hot. When will I just.. Be? I want to create a beautiful moment in time, that may slip my mind, but I can always have at the perfect moment. I’m desperately clutching to memories and old habits, but maybe that’s the problem. At times I’m passive, other times no I’m slipping in to being a door mat. Emotionally speaking.

Ugh. I can’t stand this never ending shit storm of drama.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m done with chasing friendships.



Teetering..(Thoughts on Eric Victorino, essay for english 5.)

Teetering on the brink of depression is like the nauseating feeling of vertigo. You’ve climbed so high with blood, sweat, and tears and this is the moment you finally look over the edge to see what you’ve accomplished and it feels like the solid ground that once was is now sand slipping out from under your feet. All the strength you possessed has been drained. It would be so easy to let it send you careening back down to the bottom but, the time is now to make a decision: Fight or give up? Depression isn’t about being sad, it’s about not feeling anything and not fighting to live this beautiful life. It’s the inescapable feeling of unimportance and hopelessness that make one emotionally and mentally handicapped. It seems as though many don’t take responsibility for the way they feel and rely on others to make them feel good or sad and then blame those people for the way they feel. The truth is, there is no Prince Charming or Magic Genie to come save you from your woes and it’s all up to us to make the most out of this existence.

In Eric Victorino’s book of poetry, Trading Sunshine for Shadows, there is a piece entitled “It’s What You Hold Onto” and it begins, “Sometimes the most difficult thing is not to keep holding on but to let go. And you’re holding on tight to a defeated version of yourself.” I feel as though everyone can connect to this on a certain level. Calling an old friend to reminisce about the fun you used to have, looking through old photographs, using experiences from the past to define part of who you are now. Realistically, we’re constantly reshaping ourselves and seeing the world through new lenses, but is it always with the best intentions? How often do we reshape ourselves to please others? There is an international desire to be unique, but people are always chasing similar materialistic gain or that Disney romance. The disappointment that links when expectations are not met is truly a hinderance. Being constantly emotionally exhausted is an interesting state of confusion because the lens that you look through seems to be fogged to everyday activities. There are gaps throughout the day, little things forgotten: Did I turn the light off? How did I forget to put mascara on? Was rent due today, or was that last week? What is it about the “artist’s” brain that makes one depressive? Many great writers are know for being dark,  Kurt Vonnegut, Eric Victorino, Charles Bukowski, they all write with suggested themes of darkness, disappointment, and negativity. The same could be said for all great poets, and humans alike, we’re all fighting our own demons. 

Eric Victorino, singer, poet, is a man who has struggled with depression with many years.  His books of poetry are uncomfortably relatable for 20-something-year-olds with the ever present theme of doubt and self-deprecation. As an individual who has recently started to be comfortable with creating her own happiness, I feel as though Victorino’s writing style excites and inspires because his poems aren’t wrapped up in beautiful verbiage. His expulsion of feelings are not “feel good” reads and are definitely not pretty, but they are real. Yet, that is why his writing is so beautiful, it is real and links with the reader. The pressures of death and age scare this generation, complacency and what is there to learn from poets? Victorino taught his readers, one must endure and fight tooth and nail to survive and keep going. “I don’t know why my thoughts turn to death so often. My death. Your death. All of ours.[…] death is hanging in the fog above my bed. Until a new day chases it away. Death is in tomorrow and tonight if we aren’t careful. Yesterday is black with it but easy to avoid.” Avoiding feeling sorry for one’s self is very important and a difficult thing to do, but it’s a struggle that is not specialized for one person. Everyone has dark days and Victorino truly seems cleanse himself by letting out honest feelings about his darkness on to the pages of his book.

It would be such an easy life if there were no challenges, no sadness, no pain but, where is the fun in that? The challenge of living a full existence is not how much one accomplishes during their time on earth, but the experiences that come out of it. The first time seeing fireworks, a first kiss, a goodbye, the feelings felt from life is what makes it all worth while. Remembering these things is what keeps me from teetering off the edge to overwhelming sadness. “Maybe because you can’t let go, you don’t know what will happen. Maybe because it’s just easier to hurt. But it takes a lot more energy and effort to cry than it takes to laugh. Or to shrug to sigh and keep things how they are.” The fear of the unknown prevents some from reaching their full potential and it comes in many forms, making the first move, applying for that job, taking that day off, for what? Rejection? Disappointment? Being able to take the plunge and take full responsibility for yourself is the biggest challenge of all. Being able to be your own Prince Charming or Magic Genie is, to me, what happiness is.


Daily Prompt: Gave You Everything I love

I’m a good girl. I really am.. I don’t make it my mission in life to be the bane of other’s existence’s. Shit. Happens. Maybe this is my bad girl streak. Maybe this is the time in my life I make boys/men weep. And curse my name. I don’t consider myself to be sought after, loved, adored, cherished by men in any sense. So, why should it matter if I stir a little nonsense up?  It matters because I don’t do that. I promote healthy, positive, and love filled thoughts. Positivity. 

Is it possible to be optimistically cynical? Everything good comes with a peppering of negativity. I’m so done giving people more than they deserve. I give others EVERYTHING I have to offer. Insight, love, compassion, a shoulder, my body.


Everyone who I start loving, leaves me. Sadly put, but this is one of those things that will pass as well. I’m allowed to feel, but this is like verbal diarrhea that isn’t getting better. I’m not some sad, fifteen year old who just broken up with by their first boyfriend. I’m a apathy-ridden woman. 

I feel like an emotional prostitute. Who’s not getting paid.


High School Never Taught Me…

Frustration. Frustrated. Self hate acting up again.

Spent 15 minutes drunkenly over analyzing the blackheads on my nose. This is exhausting. Gym was good to me.. Shouldn’t have left. I was there for an hour in the zone. Blaring music in my ears. Shouting encouragement in the form of, “if you can’t keep up, then just home home you pansy.”

Searching for a new vehicle before ol’ LuLu Bell moves on.. Stressful, to say the least. This whole “adult” thing is proving to be extremely trying. Do I have enough money.. Will I be able to get a loan? Payments? No finances down? What the fuck does THAT mean?


Things high school never taught me: How to fucking survive.


Daily Prompt: Pants on Fire

“I’m good, thanks for asking.”

I don’t lie. I’m not good at it, never been actually. Putting on the work face is what I’m good at. Work face includes making other people comfortable. At ease. Happy.


I can’t remember the last time I was overcome with bliss. I feel like bliss is an essential part of happiness.

I’m not angry, or sad, or happy. It’s nothing. It’s a vast, blank, nothingness. Sometimes I get surges of excitement, or frustration, but I can’t seem to cling to those responses for long. I doubt I’m depressed. That feels too easy. 

There is a monotonous feeling to my life these days, though. Sleep when I can. Eat when I have time. Smile. Breathe. Sleep again. 

So, yeah. Saying, “I’m good,” feels like a lie.



Body mods.

Some of the modifications I’ve done.

Body mods.